The Wit’s Guide to Proverbs

Or, the folk’s on you

Netherlandish Proverbs, Pieter Bruegel the Elder, probably the best thing that happened in the year 1559.

God bless the common people! So wise, in the aggregate! So insightful, when adjusted for sampling error! So profound, nine times out of ten!

“Experience is the comb that Nature gives us when we are bald.”
— Belgian proverb

These are the regular folk who put their pants on one leg at a time, the ones who never leave a candle unattended, the ones who catch as catch can. And so when we want to give an uncredited quip some extra credibility, some claim to universality, we credit the proverbial masses. We call it a proverb.

“A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.”
— German proverb

Is there any more hopeful depiction of humanity than a diverse collection of cynical proverbs? Despite being separated by language, culture, and geography, we all arrive at the same conclusion:

“Cabbage served twice is death.”
— Greek proverb

It’s been said that a good proverb must have shortness, sense, and salt. Been said by who? Probably one of the common people. 

“If only I were a bird! Ah, but eating caterpillars?”
— Palestinian proverb

Borges described an elderly man whose “many years had reduced and polished him the way water smooths and polishes a stone or generations of men polish a proverb.” Generations of men, and maybe the occasional woman! Who could argue with that?

“It is no use trying to tug the glacier backwards.”
— Tibetan proverb

But what exactly is a proverb? Well, the study of proverbs is called paremiology, and one of the foremost paremiologists of the last century was Archer Taylor, who wrote a book called The Proverb, and in that book he concluded that “the definition of a proverb is too difficult to repay the undertaking; and should we fortunately combine in a single definition all the essential elements and give each the proper emphasis, we should not even then have a touchstone. An incommunicable quality tells us this sentence is proverbial and that one is not.” As you were!

“The only way to treat a Prussian is to step on his toes until he apologizes.”
— Austrian proverb

So when you want to give a nugget of wisdom that homespun spin, never credit it to no one, occasionally credit it to someone, and usually credit it to everyone. For instance, there are 6.5 million Netherlanders who can back this one up:

“Coffee has two virtues: It is wet and warm.”
— Dutch proverb

But as anyone who has ever had cold brew knows, two things can be true at the same time. And thus every famous proverb has an anti-proverb, and every stitch in time that saves too many cooks in the kitchen runs up against haste makes waste more and merrier. 

“Never give a fool a pointed stick.”
— Scottish proverb

Bertrand Russell saw this as a smart response whenever someone slings a proverb at you: “The great advantage of a proverb in argument is that it is supposed to be incontrovertible, as embodying the quintessential sagacity of our ancestors, he wrote. “But when once you have realised that proverbs go in pairs which say opposite things you can never again be downed by a proverb; you merely quote the opposite.”

“Man plans and God laughs.”
— Yiddish proverb

So to sum up the great collection of folk wisdom of all human civilizations: An undefinable, untraceable sentence that’s as wrong as it is right. Thanks, everyone!

“Speak the truth, but leave immediately afterwards.”
— Slovenian proverb

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Welcome, Putterers!

Back in May, my long-time readers gently took me aside and told me that GWQ No. 253: The Wit’s Guide to Puttering was a stone-cold classic, and who was I to argue? So I expanded it into this piece for The Globe and Mail newspaper, which has brought in a phalanx of new subscribers! Welcome!

My favourite reaction came in the comments from a reader who said they call it “putskying” and thus refer to their property as Planet Putsky. “I even have honorary Planet Putsky driver’s licenses to those who can successfully back out of our somewhat serpentine driveway without stopping,” this person wrote. If you feel seen, it’s because I see you!

That gorgeous illustration is by the effervescent Graham Roumieu, who’s also behind this brilliant work of art:

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And speaking of Riposte Cards!

When you send me money, I send it to talented artists who then send me illustrated versions of great quips, which I then send back to you. Economics! 

The August Riposte Card is by Karsten Petrat and it’s terrific. When you’re stuck in your own head, you might as well play mini putt.

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Also, an unexpected opportunity to test your wits

It was as if an occult hand reached out and asked me to contribute a weekly News Quiz to the pages of the Toronto Star last month, and so I have. How closely have you been following U.S. politics and the Olympics? Try these multiple-choice brain bogglers if you dare.

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Quote Vote

“A dog with money is addressed as Mr. Dog.”
— Spanish proverb

And that’s why we never give dogs money. What shall we cover next week? I rely on you to tell me!

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If any more wisdom were crammed into 266th issue of Get Wit Quick, I’d have to charge double the nothing I charge, so no change. My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting was polished like a golf ball in one of those brush things. As as they say around these parts, if you tap the ❤️ below, you’re entitled to decline the cabbage leftovers at dinner this evening.