The Wit’s Guide to Temptation

Or, it’s a given that you’ll give in

Les Sirenes by Marie-François Firmin-Girard, 1864.

Resist the temptation of resisting temptation! The idea that we are all eternally tempted to leave the righteous path for wine, women, and song certainly creates narrative tension, but it also makes everyone feel guilty, ashamed, and deprived. And for what? Boredom, loneliness, and silence.

“Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”
—Ambrose Bierce

When Odysseus was tempted by the song of the Sirens, it’s because they were offering complete awareness of everything that would ever happen on earth. And so from Homer’s epic we’ve learned to instinctively reject knowledge, especially when it has a danceable beat.

“I never resist temptation because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.”
— George Bernard Shaw

And what does holding out even get you? The most famous evidence in favour, the Marshmallow Test, has been discredited. The original take was that five-year-olds who can resist immediately scarfing a gelatinous cylinder on the promise of getting two marshmallows later have the inherent drive and willpower to succeed in life, doing better on standardized tests and eventually becoming our bosses, sitting on leatherbound chairs in corner offices waiting for the millions of marshmallows their prudent investments will eventually yield. 

“Resisting temptation is easier when you think you’ll probably get another chance later on.”
— Bob Talbert

But it turned out the marshmallow test actually predicted nothing of value; the biggest indicator of future performance was socioeconomics. The real temptation was to blame income inequality on a subset of hungry five-year-olds.

 “Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
— Joey Adams

The Lord’s Prayer lives up to its name by being incredibly paternalistic. What is it we ask Him about temptation? Lead us not into it. Not give us the strength to resist it. Not to maybe let us have a square of chocolate after we finish our broccoli. No, just put on the blinders and give us a better route home so we’re not even faced with the option. No decisions please! We’re too weak! Thanks, Father.

“Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.”
— Sam Levenson

If you still want to resist temptation, make all your temptations Jansson’s Temptation. Even the Swedes acknowledge that this casserole of creamy potatoes and oily fish is an acquired taste. “It wouldn’t be a Swedish Christmas without a lot of heavy cream,” Reverend Haefle says in Jonathan Franzen’s Crossroads; Perry Hildebrandt opts for the vodka gløgg instead.

“It was not the apple in the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.”
— M.D. O’Connor

Perhaps the greatest temptation in modern life is to bail, to scrap the noble plans you made and shirk all responsibility. But you can’t not go to the thing! You told everyone you would be there months ago! You returned an RSVP card and dutifully said you’d have the Jansson’s Temptation! Though what if you just … didn’t?

“If there is one pleasure on earth which surpasses all others, it is leaving a play before the end. I might perhaps except the joy of taking tickets for a play, dining well, sitting on after dinner, and finally not going at all. That, of course, is very heaven.”
― Angela Thirkell 

In his new book Meditations for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman offers a refreshing way to think about dilemmas like this. Instead of reflexively rejecting the idea, he argues that “The only two questions, at any moment of choice in life, are what the price is, and whether or not it’s worth paying.” If Odysseus steers his boat into the siren song, knowledge and pleasure await! Tempting! But you’ll crash on the rocks and starve to death. Less tempting! So bind yourself to the mast and fill your men’s ears with wax not to avoid temptation but because you’ve done the math and decided to live. 

“Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.”
— Lane Olinghouse

That said, Odysseus took all those precautions to successfully hear the siren song of universal knowledge and what does it get him later in The Odyssey? Pretty much nothing. Major plot hole in the foundational work of Western literature? Or just more evidence that the choice between virtue and temptation is a false one? 

“We cannot go about, unfortunately, telling everybody about the temptations we have resisted. As a result people judge us exclusively by the temptations to which we yield.”
— Robert Lynd

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What are you holding out for, anyway?

Here’s the elegant October Riposte Card, which has been mailed out to my wonderful paid subscribers. Join them today! It’s by the excellent illustrator and printmaker Sandi Falconer, who introduces herself thusly:

What's your go-to item in a well-stocked stationery store?
Black markers. 

Where do you go for inspiration and/or information?
Books, signage, packaging, the record store, tv, movies, Instagram, newsletters. Inspiration is everywhere.

Is there one joke, witticism, or aphorism you live by?
Shit happens.

What's the best thing to put on toast?
Salted butter.

What work are you most proud of, and how can people support it?
My new series of monoprints called Gut Feelings! They are each inspired by records in my collection and printed in my home studio. Check them out on my website: www.fountainsprintshop.com 

And a reminder that all my subscribers also get this handy dandy wallet card to help them out of tight scrapes of all sizes:

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Ode to an enthusiast

Robert Fulford, among the most prolific cultural journalists in the English-speaking world and a hero of mine, died this week at the age of 92. I learned a great deal as his editor and distilled that into 750 words for the Toronto Star here.

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Quote Vote

“About the only time losing is more fun than winning is when you’re fighting temptation.
— Tom Wilson

What else are we resisting that we ought to embrace in next week’s issue?

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That was issue No. 276 of Get Wit Quick, a newsletter that was happy this week to discover a behavioural science concept called the “what-the-hell effect.” As in, though I’ve tried to avoid cookies, I’ve now given in and had one, so what the hell, let’s finish the box and then eat every baked good within a 10-kilometre radius of my house. The lesson being, just have the one cookie and don’t make everything so damn monumental. My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting has much more fibre than most cookies. Let yourself tap the ❤️  below; you’ve earned it!