The Wit’s Guide to Secrets
Or, something about protein
It’s been said that the best way to keep a secret is not to have one. It’s also been said that the best way to keep a secret is to keep it a secret that you’re keeping a secret. Therefore, you need either two secrets or none at all.
“Men with secrets tend to be drawn to each other, not because they want to share what they know but because they need the company of the likeminded, the fellow-afflicted.”
— Don DeLillo
Fittingly, there are two key secrets that everyone wants to know and neither of them are really secrets: Longevity and success. It’s quite common, perhaps even universal, that those who attain either or both do so without ever knowing why. Start with living a long time: How is it done, exactly? Lots of stretching, right? Sophie Tucker, the vaudeville singer who claimed the nickname “The Last of the Red-Hot Mamas” and thus bears responsibility for our acute ongoing shortage of Red-Hot Mamas, was asked this question in 1966, shortly before she died at the age of 80. Her indisputable answer:
“Keep breathing.”
— Sophie Tucker
The great thing about the very old offering their secrets to longevity is that it’s impossible to tell if they’re pranking us. This is because they are so wrinkly. Herman Smith “Jackrabbit” Johannsen, the Norwegian who helped bring cross-country skiing to Canada, offered this advice at the age of 103:
“The secret to a long life is to stay busy, get plenty of exercise and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little.”
— Herman Smith Johannsen
At least longevity can be measured; the secret of success is so subjective that to share yours likely reveals more about you than any actual route to achievement. Are we going to be boring and frame it as monetary accumulation? If so, then it’s all about piscatorial magnitude:
“If you want to sell ’em fish, sell ’em big fish. That’s the secret of success.”
— Jack Solomons
But maybe the secrets of longevity and success are one and the same: The secret of life. William Hazlitt, Mark Twain, and Sydney Smith are all credited with some version of the idea that it’s all about good digestion, which, maybe? But who exactly are we keeping that secret from? The makers of Pepto-Bismol? If this gets out, no one’s ever going to eat hot wings again.
“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it.”
— Charles M. Schulz
The second-best historical claim to actually finding the secret of life must go to Francis Crick, who in 1953 announced to fellow patrons of The Eagle pub in Cambridge that he and James Watson had found it: DNA! The universal genetic code was a pretty good approximation of what it’s all about, even if he didn’t credit Rosalind Franklin and it didn’t help anyone home from the bar that night.
So we can all agree that the better distillation is the one offered by Kurt Vonngeut in the novel Cat’s Cradle:
“What is the secret of life?” I asked.
“I forget,” said Sandra.
“Protein,” the bartender declared. “They found out something about protein.”
“Yeah,” said Sandra, “that’s it.”
The Secret to Misery!
I’ll let you in on a little secret that my 59 paid subscribers know: This month’s Riposte Card is a stone-cold classic. The illustrator Karsten Petrat took Joseph Joubert’s pithy line about misery and layered it on the miserable sport of decapitated golf. Upgrade your subscription today and I’ll mail you three beautifully printed samples of the above.
The Secret to Erudition!
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“The secret of life is never to have an emotion that is unbecoming.”
— Oscar Wilde
Isn’t every secret also a multi-level marketing scheme? Was ancient Egypt a multi-level marketing scheme? All this and less could be featured in next week’s edition, depending on what you choose below.
If I begged you to keep the 267th issue of Get Wit Quick to yourself, would it be shared more widely than ever before? Just as all commas aspire to be Oxford commas, all secrets aspire to be Oxford secrets. These are secrets that you can only tell to one person at a time – just the right cadence to ensure efficient and enthusiastic distribution. Perhaps the best way to keep a secret in Canada is to publish it in a book, such as Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting. Entre nous, please tap the ❤️ below.
Sophie Tucker, the vaudeville singer who claimed the nickname “The Last of the Red-Hot Mamas” and thus bears responsibility for our acute ongoing shortage of Red-Hot Mamas. Good observation, Ben.
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