There are really only three rules you absolutely must follow. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. Equally unfortunate is that no one knows who originally made that observation or what it was originally about. And so we’re all looking for the rules.
“It is the beginning of wisdom when you recognize that the best you can do is choose which rules you want to live by, and it’s persistent and aggravated imbecility to pretend you can live without any.”
— Wallace Stegner
In her book There Are No Grownups, Pamela Druckerman recounts her childhood search for said rules of life. In doing so, she shares rules about the rules. For one, “people rarely say profound things when they’re supposed to.” She gravitated toward “truths that seemed self-evident, but that were so slender and specific hardly anyone noticed them.” Also, they should work well as last words. These are things like: You can have the right-of-way and be dead. Don’t get divorced. People sleep with people they know. Only friends can disappoint. Cute is two thirds. (I’d note here that some of these sound like shower thoughts: Crispy is crunchy but thin!) But eventually she realizes that “being a grown-up didn’t just mean vacuuming up other people’s stray insights and beauty tips.”
“Two great rules of life: 1. Never tell everything at once.”
— Ken Venturi
“No admittance. Not even to authorized personnel,” reads a wonderful sign in Mostly Harmless, the fifth book in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide trilogy. To still call it a trilogy demonstrates the author’s loose adherence to rules generally.
“Without doubt half the ethical rules they din into our ears are designed to keep us at work.”
— Llewelyn Powys
Malcolm Gladwell only drinks five liquids: water, tea, red wine, espresso, and milk. Somehow, this reminds me of Wells’ First Rule: For any given situation, Canadian politics will tend toward the least exciting possible outcome.
“The golden rule is that there is no golden rule.”
— George Bernard Shaw
The variations on the golden rule are worth reviewing, as per Shaw’s critique that “do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.” From that we get the Platinum Rule, which implores you to treat others as they want to be treated. And you can continue to explore the periodic table with the Silver Rule (don’t mistreat others as you wouldn’t want to be mistreated), the Bronze Rule (do whatever you like but don’t hurt anyone), the Mercury Rule (shift your ethics based on the situation), the Aluminum Rule (keep it light), the Uranium Rule (all actions have a half-life), the Lead Rule (might makes right), the Adamantium Rule (don’t mess with Wolverine), and the Unobtanium Rule (don’t bother with the Avatar movies).
“The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you’re playing by other people’s rules, while quietly playing by your own.”
— Michael Korda
The best rules are the ones you don’t notice. In the Star Wars movies, there’s no paper, knives, hinges, mirrors, or wheels. (Obviously R2D2 has treads.) In the Road Runner cartoons, the only permitted dialogue is “beep beep” or yowls of canine pain; the Coyote’s greatest enemy is gravity; they can never leave the U.S. Southwest; and “The Coyote could stop anytime — if he were not a fanatic.” In some versions of the rules, that last one is followed by this quote:
“A fanatic is one who redoubles his effort when he has forgotten his aim.”
— George Santayana
As a rule, a bad example is more useful than a role model, if only because the faults of others are more interesting than our own. So when the King in the Wizard of Id defined the Golden Rule as being “Whoever has the gold makes the rules,” we can admit the logic while striving for something better.
“Money changes all the iron rules into rubber bands.”
— Ryszard Kapuściński
The most interesting rules will always have a story behind them, like the sign at Toronto’s Scotiabank Theatre that says “Please exercise caution if wearing sandals, Crocs, or other open toe footwear while using the escalator.” And of course, leaving that story to the imagination makes the rule that much more memorable. So here’s two more without context: When your friends make art, always offer enthusiastic support. And always go to the funeral.
“Those who claim to act according to rules of life (however beautiful those rules may be) strike me as idiots, or at least blunderers, incapable of taking advantage of life — that is, of learning from life.”
— André Gide
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”
— Katharine Hepburn
My original plan was to dive into Murphy’s Law and its variants, but then I realized rules and laws are different. Every week I learn something new while you shake your collective heads in incredulous disgust. Thank you!
Like the 332 issues before it, Issue No. 333 of Get Wit Quick follows 6.5 simple rules: Include one typo per issue for the true fans. Send on Thursday morning if possible. Aim for 500ish words of copy. Share at least three genuinely interesting nuggets. Never start a land war in Asia. No dumb quotes. And always, always, always remember. This newsletter’s mascot is a magpie named Magnus after the magician in Robertson Davies’ Deptford Trilogy. The title font is Vulf Sans, the official typeface of the band Vulfpeck. The book was Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting. To those who make a personal rule to tap the ❤️ below, a thousand thank yous.
A free newsletter to all this week, sent with the proviso that paid subscribers get this handy dandy wallet card:
Also, for those who read to the end: I spotted this sticker and assumed it was a clever joke about the Home Alone actor. I called the number and — it’s not. Sometimes a caulking service is just a caulking service.
"Every week I learn something new while you shake your collective heads in incredulous disgust."
Now that you mention it ....
Yes :)
Dear Benjamin,
Great quotes as always! Some of my faves this week
“Two great rules of life: 1. Never tell everything at once.”
— Ken Venturi
“The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you’re playing by other people’s rules, while quietly playing by your own.”
— Michael Korda
Thanks for sharing!
Love
Myq