The Wit’s Guide to Negotiation

Or, the battle of who could care less

Tulip fanatics negotiating the price of bulbs. Eventually, they went Dutch.

If you’re like me, you’re a precious little hothouse flower who can’t bear the thought of haggling over anything. But we’re doing it wrong! We need to get in the other guy’s face, threaten to take our business elsewhere, turn on our heels and walk right out that door, raise the stakes, and the rest of it. Honestly, I’m exhausted just having typed that.

“Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he has a firm handshake, is hiding something.”
— Clifton Fadiman

Life is a negotiation, right? That’s why, many years ago, I picked up a copy of the classic text Getting to Yes. I can see it on my shelf right now, and yet, I’ve never even opened it. Hence my book idea: Getting to Getting to Yes. If I can convince a publisher to buy it, just imagine the deal I won’t drive.

“The fellow who says he’ll meet you halfway usually thinks he’s standing on the dividing line.”
— Orlando Battista

All the behavioural psychology tips on negotiation suggest it’s best to just calm down. Show up with coffee and pastries, use language of collaboration, and if possible, sit in a higher chair, ensure the sun is shining, and — since so many of these suggestions have the whiff of irreplicable social science papers — show up doing the debunked Wonder Woman power pose.

“If two people agree all the time, one of them is unnecessary.”
— David Mahoney

But really, the main thing to bring to a negotiation, besides bear paws, is your BATNA, which stands for Needless Acronym Designed To Make Common Sense Seem Uncommon. In other words, the best alternative to a negotiated agreement means you already got a better deal elsewhere. At the very least, give the impression that this is the case.

“When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.”
— Isaac Hore-Belisha

There’s a great throwaway exchange in Christopher Guest’s 2000 mockumentary Best in Show wherein Catherine O’Hara and Eugene Levy’s characters visit the home of one of her many exes, this one played by the great character actor Larry Miller:

Max Berman: “I’m the chief hostage negotiator for the Akron and tri-county area and I talk people down. Whenever they get a jumper on a big building, they call me.”

Gerry Fleck: “How many people have you talked down? I mean, is there a...?”

Max Berman: “Well, they always jump. I’ve got news for you. It’s a little secret from the trade. They all jump.”

“It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn’t give enough.”
— Quentin Crisp

As usual, Ben Folds has all the answers. Every negotiation is a cover of his 1997 classic, The Battle of Who Could Care Less, which is really just a clever reiteration of the principle of least interest, meaning the person with the least amount of interest in a relationship has the most power. “Sucks me in when you’re aloof,” he sings, “It sucks, it works.” No one wants to help the person who needs help! Also, Mr. Folds posits the idea of creating fine pewter portraits of General Apathy and Major Boredom and selling them to — his words, not mine — “the Franklin fuckin’ Mint.” This was truly the anthem of a generation.

“A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don’t need it.”
— Herbert V. Prochnow

So here’s your problem: You care too much. You want to avoid the awkwardness of negotiation? Good! Pretend you’re not negotiating at all. Exhale, space out, eat all the crullers, stare at the ceiling, and double your salary, just like that. Whatever and ever, amen.

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“There are very honest people who do not think they have had a bargain unless they have cheated a merchant.”
— Anatole France

Given all my references and generational stereotypes, you might conclude that Generation X are the best negotiators. In fact, they/we (I identify as an Xennial) couldn’t even convince Coca-Cola to keep OK Soda on the shelves. Next week?

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Each month my paid subscribers and I exchange some of the best things we’ve read, seen, heard, and experienced in a special issue called Get Wit Picks. New issue landing soon! With the knowledge that the composer John Cage was a renowned mushroom expert who once won five million lire on an Italian game show for correctly naming the 24 mushrooms of the species Agarici in alphabetical order. Also, because he believed catsup was too thin, he invented a mushroom-based condiment he called dogsup. Which means he almost invented the classic Updog joke! I learned this from Tom Allen’s very entertaining Classical Musick Almynack, more on which soon!

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