The Wit's Guide to Movies
Or, less bored for 100 minutes
If the movies as we knew them are done, how will we know when to laugh? Sure, we can stream endless features, series, clips, sequels, and reboots on our own personal screens, but without the random smelly strangers crinkling their candy, taking phone calls, and watching their own personal screens in the next row, who will cue the guffaws?
“Let’s have some new cliches.”
— Samuel Goldwyn
This argument is as hackneyed as riding off into the sunset, and it’s already had a perfect Hollywood ending. After Netflix backed up the money truck to commission The Irishman from Martin Scorsese, the director mentioned that, actually, his motion picture was meant to be seen on the big screen. Hubris! And after Christopher Nolan voiced the same concerns about Tenet in the middle of the pandemic, enterprising engineer Bertrand Fan found a way to rig up his smart toilet to play Nolan’s film. Denouement!
“A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.”
— Samuel Goldwyn
And yes, nothing kills a romantic nostalgia for the movies like the self-aggrandizing of the people who make them. Every year they try to fix the Oscars but every year they insist on including the maudlin peans to the magic of celluloid. It’s called show business, not tell business!
“Too caustic? To hell with the cost, we’ll make the picture anyway!”
— Samuel Goldwyn
Still, I side with the directors: it’s about romance over practicality. Making movies is illogical, so going to them ought to be as well. Or think of it this way: One person writes a novel, and one person reads it. A huge number of people come together to create a film, so a huge number of people ought to come together to watch it. And if that logic makes sense to you, please explain the ending of Tenet in the comments below.
“Film throws up an enormous amount of dust and heat and noise, urgent meetings and so on, which have nothing to do with making a film, but to do with people who are not creatively involved guarding their investments. I suppose it’s what you should expect when people are spending the GNP of small countries to make other people less bored for 100 minutes.”
— Ian McEwan
When Marlon Brando directed One-Eyed Jacks, the first and last movie he helmed, he insisted on filming exclusively in the magic hour. Summoning an entire crew to only shoot during the cinq-a-sept naturally doomed (with natural light) the whole production. He shot one million feet of film and spent twice his budget to make a movie that has a 61% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
“What’s history going to say about the movies? All those rows of seats facing a blank screen? Crazy!”
— Robert Mitchum
In the Preston Sturges classic Sullivan’s Travels, a disenchanted Hollywood director of silly comedies decides to go undercover as a tramp to learn what life is really like. If you haven’t seen the film and are new to this world, skip these next six words: It turns out that life stinks. But redemption comes as Sully is watching a cartoon in the cinema with his fellow unwashed masses. Amidst their hopeless lives of drudgery and toil, the common folk finally experience a modicum of joy.
“There’s a lot to be said for making people laugh,” Sullivan says in the final lines of the movie. “Did you know that’s all some people have? It isn't much, but it’s better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan."
“A good film script should be able to do completely without dialogue.”
— David Mamet
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“The cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake.”
— Alfred Hitchcock
And imagine if everyone stopped eating cake. In favour of what? Cake pops? This metaphor is half baked. Help me frost next week’s:
Get Wit Quick No. 262 always sneaks in outside food, so maybe we’re part of the problem? Thank you to Layne Coleman for the advance copy of An Open-Ended Run, his terrifically moving memoir coming out this fall. That’s where I learned about Brando’s directorial debut, among many other things. My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting came out many falls ago. Tap the ❤️ if you agree that the trailers used to be the best part of the show.
dear benjmain,
delightful as always, thank you for sharing!
i particularly love this:
“Let’s have some new cliches.”
— Samuel Goldwyn
let's indeed!
goldwynnily yours,
myq