The Wit's Guide to Kremlinology
Or, dissolving comrades
To turn anything into a science, just slap an “ology” on the end and start hypothesizing. And so Kremlinology, the study of the emissions of the fortified citadel from which Russia is ruled, became a mysterious discipline in the Cold War.
“I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.”
― Winston Churchill
Who’s up and who’s down in the Politburo? Well, was the applause for their speech at a state function described as “deafening” or merely “rapturous”? The Kremlinologists maintained that by observing the minutiae of diplomatic protocol, reading between the lines of Pravda, and closely studying innocuous photographs, they could answer those questions. Their work was defined as “an effort to do archival research in high Soviet politics without access to the archives.”
“The mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything priced above its proper value.”
― Oscar Wilde
To be fair, there was a madness behind their method. Decades before Photoshop, Soviet retouchers used scalpels and airbrushes to remove Joseph Stalin’s political opponents from photographs, paintings, and textbooks in concert with their actual removal from life via more brutal means. Armando Iannucci’s so-dark-it’s-Vantablack (Volgablack?) comedy The Death of Stalin must here be recommended, as does the actual death of Stalin, and as does David King’s classic 1997 photo book The Commissar Vanishes, an astounding collection of pictures whereinst1 various comrades dissolve like Marty and his sibs in Back to the Future:
But as the Soviet state grew more sclerotic, the stage management became less exact. (The novel Red Plenty by Francis Spufford is a must read.) And thus Kremlinologists grew into the definition of perfect experts, knowing more and more about less and less until they reached the sublime state of knowing everything about nothing. This specific moment came on December 26, 1991, when the USSR expired. They didn’t see it coming.
“Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.”
― Laurence J. Peter
How do you become an expert in a spurious field? First, stress that nobody truly knows anything. Then, explain that you’ve collected mass amounts of information, far more than anyone could ever digest. Finally, use that information to retroactively predict something that already happened.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don’t say it.”
— Sam Levenson
If the collapse of the Soviet Union wasn’t enough of a spoiler, here’s one about Succession: Tom won. And would you believe a fan theory predicted it? You see, his surname was sorta like that of an obscure baseball player who recorded an unassisted triple play which is of course a clear hint that, after the fact, they were right all along. Except Frank Rich debunked it, which is the nice thing about Waystar Royco Kremlinology: There actually was a script.
“The hardest tumble a man can take is to tumble over his own bluff.”
— Ambrose Bierce
And while formal Kremlinology has essentially become Putinology, the more general term is perhaps best applied today to another large, secretive organization that regularly shares highly scripted updates on its plans. Will Apple release a “mixed reality headset” next week? Well, the official invite includes familiar colours and a shape that resembles a stage. Given that we have no way of knowing until it happens, remember that the ultimate mixed reality headset is a tinfoil hat.
The Next Riposte Cardist!
As I look out into the audience, I now see 28 of you who are paid subscribers to the monthly Riposte Card plan. I hope you feel seen! This week your cards should have arrived, unless you are my one subscriber in Australia in which case is it true that the toilets flush backwards? I’ve taken to stuffing the envelopes with extras, such as the Riposte Shard pictured above. Join the rejoinders!
And as we traipse into June, please join me in welcoming this month’s artist: Linda Yi, whose culinary comics take the form of Panda Cub Stories. More on Linda’s work and the quip she’ll be illustrating next week!
Quote Vote
“The concept of the ‘official secret’ is bureaucracy’s specific invention.”
― Max Weber
Sunlight is the best disinfectant, which by extension means that secrets wear the highest SPF sunscreen and when all is revealed we’ll need to see a dermatologist.
It’s not the Heat, it’s the humanity. Oh wait it’s both.
How often do I use this space to advertise screenings of Michael Mann films at Dutch restaurants in my hometown of Toronto? Exactly! So if you’re in for three hours of Pacino impressions and bitterballen, come on down to Borrel on Monday!
Get Wit Quick No. 203 is off to rewatch Miami Vice. Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting is my hammy vice. That’s Craig’s pun, and I’ll ask him for more if you press the ❤️ below.
Epenthesis of the week
Now I know what epentheses are. I can put a name to these annoying pronunciations.
Good line:
Will Apple release a “mixed reality headset” next week? Well, the official invite includes familiar colours and a shape that resembles a stage. Given that we have no way of knowing until it happens, remember that the ultimate mixed reality headset is a tinfoil hat.