The Wit’s Guide to Frugality

Or, cheapskating on thin ice

OK, this painting from 17th century Italy is called Meagre Repast and it nicely illustrates this week’s theme but the best part is that the painter is formally known as The Master of the Blue Jeans.

One man’s frugality is another man’s cheapness, but if you’re really trying to get more bang for your buck, rephrase that truism with gender-neutral language. One person’s frugality refers to twice as many people! At least!

“Money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.”
— Gertrude Stein

There are infinite notches on the scale between spending just the right amount and spending way too little. Prudent, efficient, frugal, savvy, thrifty, penny-pinching, parsimonious, stingy, tight-fisted, tight-assed, miserly, Scrooge McDuck. A cheapskate takes off their glasses when they’re not looking at anything important, throws nickels around like manhole covers, and brings their date a bouquet of seeds. A miser, on the other hand, makes a wonderful ancestor. To determine which term applies to the miserable tightwad in your life, consider paraphrasing Dylan Thomas’s line: “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”

“Economy is going without something you do want, in case someday you should want something you probably won’t want.”
— Anthony Hope

The Frugal Meal is the title shared by a smattering of paintings throughout history — horses munching on hay, a family sharing porridge, a sad man cutting bread with a knife, Picasso’s bony couple moping over crusts and wine. But now that paint’s place in the culture has been replaced by TikTok, we refer to such weak nourishment as rat snacks, defined as “a perverse mix of whatever ingredients you can get your grubby little paws on when your brain and body shout, ‘Hungry now!”

“He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving his money, he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me.”
— John Barrymore

In the pewter age of life hacks, which archeologists define as roughly 2006-9, there was no end of listicles explaining how you could solve all your household problems with toilet paper rolls. Only in 2020, when Claire Lower published the Lifehacker piece titled “All Toilet Paper Roll Hacks Are Bad,” did it become clear this was proof of Oscar Wilde’s axiom about people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. 

 “I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
— Groucho Marx

When you have to pay by the word, frugality is a proxy for the soul of wit. And so we can spare a few lines on the best telegrams of all time, namely this one from Dorothy Parker to a new mother:

“WE ALL KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU”

And this one from Billy Wilder to his wife:

“UNABLE OBTAIN BIDET. SUGGEST HANDSTAND IN SHOWER.”

And here’s the cleanest example of witty frugality and frugal wit: In a 2002 column in the Globe and Mail, Ellen Vanstone credited her friend Tim with a story about his friend in England whose mother was raised in the Great Depression and subsequently kept a jar filled with string in the cupboard labeled “Pieces of string too short for use.” There’s something deeply satisfying about retrieving that throwaway line 20 years after squirreling it away in the old mental mason jar. See? It’s not too short to use after all.

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October’s Artist of the Month

The above self-portrait by Amy Noseworthy is the illustrator’s reaction to a clickbait headline celebrating how AI will supposedly take snooty artists down a notch. To which I say: Not on my watch! Amy is illustrating a favourite quip on a postcard this month, the result of which will be revealed in this space next week and then mailed out to my 38 wonderful paid subscribers. Your money pays Amy! Also Canada Post. Upgrade today!

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Quote Vote

“Meanness inherits a set of silverware and keeps it in the bank. Economy uses it only on important occasions, for fear of loss. Thrift sets the table with it every night for pure pleasure, but counts the butter spreaders before they are put away.”
— Phyllis McGinley

Denial lost again last week, but I refuse to put my thumb on the scale for a river in Egypt. If it’s going to win the weekly Quote Vote to choose next week’s subject, it has to face Reality. 

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Get Wit Quick No. 224 scrimped and saved the best line for last. When a thief pointed a gun at Jack Benny and snarled “Your money or your life!” the comedian responded: “I’m thinking, I’m thinking!” Just because you can’t take it with you, doesn’t mean they can take it from you. My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting was a bargain at half the price. It will cost you nothing to tap the heart below — and for a limited time, my paying subscribers get 15% off! Plus free delivery!