The Wit’s Guide to Blood
Or, the ultimate metaphor
Blood is thicker than water, beer, saline solution, and apple juice but thinner than shampoo, peanut butter, glycerin, and motor oil. Does that explain why mechanics are like family to one another? No, it just reminds us that blood is the ultimate metaphor, a word that immediately gets weird if you stop to think about it.
“The best blood will at some time get into a fool or a mosquito.”
— Austin O’Malley
To be bloodthirsty, to describe a bloodbath, to make your blood boil: All are bloodless cliches that, with a moment’s consideration, can turn the stomach. No use has become more sanguine than the adjective bloody, termed “the great Australian adjective” by my Cassell Dictionary of Slang. It remains somewhat taboo in England but beloved down under, likely imported by the “transported felons of the period.” Most amusingly, in 1847 a British travel writer in New South Wales reported hearing an ox-cart driver use the word 27 times in 15 minutes and then calculated that this Aussie would say “bloody” 18.2 million times in 15 years.
“i have often noticed that
ancestors never boast
of the descendants who boast
of ancestors; i would
rather start a family than
finish one. blood will tell but often
it tells too much.”
— Don Marquis
And in the words of language scholar Eric Partridge, the word bloody is now “neutral ethically and socially, but objectionable aesthetically. There is no need for ingenious etymologies, the idea of blood suffices.” Furthermore, my daughter recently showed me that she’d learned how to form the word blood with her fingers, thus reaffirming my faith in the public school system.
“The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.”
— Logan Pearsall Smith
There’s a 1961 episode of the British sitcom Hancock called “The Blood Donor” said to be well-known and beloved across the U.K., even though you and I have obviously never heard of it. “I don’t mind giving a reasonable amount, but a pint? That’s very nearly an armful!” the main character sputters to his doctor. “I’m sorry, I’m not walking around with an empty arm for anybody!”
“Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.”
— Will Cuppy
Was There Will Be Blood a spoiler alert or a trigger warning? Either way, it stands as one of the great film titles: Borrowed from Exodus, instantly memorable, and perfect for the 2007 Paul Thomas Anderson epic but also pretty much any other movie.
“Money, to be worth striving for, must have blood and perspiration on it— preferably that of someone else.”
— Wilson Mizner
“Blood!” as a curse is pretty good: Nearly a four-letter word, anatomically taboo, and it ends on a hard consonant. Next time you get a paper cut, try muttering it as both an accurate description of your plight and a proven method of short-term pain relief. Blood!
Ooh, here’s a ReccoMention!
Every week I share a recommendation with my paying subscribers (C$30/yr!), and we’re all currently having great fun rifling through the esoteric reference books I use to write this newsletter. This week’s edition introduces the terrific word “foaflore,” which I’m not about to define for free here if I can convince you to pay!
‘A snapper-up of unconsidered trifles’
What is Brewer’s and who was Brewer? The introduction to the first edition in 1870 declared that this “sweep-net of a book encloses anything that comes within its reach,” with a particular love of “biographical or historical trifles too insignificant to find a place in books of higher pretension but not too worthless to be worth knowing.”
Ahh, a Riposte Card!
My founding subscribers (C$80/yr) pay a bit more but get limited edition works of art sent to them via analog post! Here’s this month’s illustrated quip with a bit more info on the fascinating book that birthed the line.
Riposte Card No. 15: Mortal meringues!
Was there a better-named writer in the last century than Muriel Spark? With a moniker like that, she’s in a nominative determinism tie with Quentin Crisp. And so it was a pleasure when Gwendolyn Le Cunff, Montreal illustrator and tattoo artist, selected the following quotation to be May’s Riposte Card:
Quote Vote
“To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.”
— George Santayana
Last week you selected Blood as the first installment of a sweat-and-tears trilogy, but maybe we need a week to dry off? Loyal Reader Joshua Landy suggested a Wit’s Guide to Quitting. As always, the choice is yours.
Get Wit Quick No. 254 really got the blood going, but going where exactly? I didn’t pour a single drop of blood, ounce of sweat, or tear into Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting because my keyboard isn’t waterproof. Tap the ❤️ below to oxygenate this newsletter.
I can’t help remembering that the phrase “blood is thicker than water,” is an incomplete quotation of something else, more like, “The blood of those who’ve fought together is thicker than that they get from mothers.” That’s not the actual quote, but I’m blanking on it now.
dear benjamin,
delightful as always!
i like this one a lot:
“The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.”
— Logan Pearsall Smith
thanks for sharing!
love,
myq