What to yell at a unicyclist
Or, just don't.
You are strolling down the street when a unicyclist rolls into view. You are overcome by a desire to scream something. Do you holler:
a) Was it hard to learn?
b) Fall off, granddad!
c) Couldn’t you afford the other wheel?
d) Lost half your bike!
e) And what were your other birthday presents?
All of the above exclamations were recorded by Sam Shuster, a dermatologist, unicyclist, and contributor to the British Medical Journal. In his 2007 paper “Sex, Aggression, and Humour: Responses to Unicycling,” Shuster reflects on public response to his post-retirement hobby in the city of Newcastle Upon Tyne. Over the course of a year, he recorded 400 comments and details of who made them.
The results are as anecdotal as they are striking:
Young children were curious, but as boys grew older their response became physically and verbally aggressive. As boys matured to men their response became more verbal and evolved into the concealed aggression of a humorous verbal put-down, which was lost with age. In contrast, the female response was praise and concern for safety.
Of particular note is the fact that the men’s barbs were dully repetitive to Dr. Shuster— though the shouters all seemed to think they were wholly original. “The consistent content of the male “joke” and its triumphant delivery as if it was original and funny, even when it was neither, was remarkable,” Dr. Shuster notes.
He ultimately concludes that “androgen-induced virility” is the cause of these remarks, posting that what boys manifest as outright inchoate aggression gradually ages into snide putdowns.
A humorologist might note that the comments serve to release the tension created by the incongruous juxtaposition of a unicycle on a city street. Our lesson is simpler: Make funnier quips. Or, if you don’t have something markedly better than “I suppose it saves on tires” to yell, don’t yell anything at all.
In his further opining on gender, wit, and cycling, Dr. Shuster wonders, “Could it be that without androgens the human response would be female, with its favourable, warm, tolerant concern? Perhaps male aggression is too high a price for humour.”
This stereotypical portrayal of nurturing women overlooks a more obviously gendered part of this uncontrolled experiment: The peacock male on his unicycle.
I asked Helen Pidd — the author of Bicycle: Love Your Bike - The Complete Guide to Everyday Cycling, The Guardian’s North of England editor, and one of Cycling UK’s 100 Women in Cycling 2019 — exactly what one should holler at a unicyclist. Her response:
“My natural reaction when encountering a unicyclist is to roll my eyes and think: attention-seeker. There’s something so ‘I’m mad, me’ about unicyclists that makes me want to pay them no heed whatsoever.”
This is, of course, correct.
Quick quips; lightning
"Television is for appearing on, not looking at."
— Noël Coward
The hallmark of a Noel Coward line is that it’s both clever and obnoxious. That’s why those who hold the English playwright (1899-1973) up as a perfect example of nominative determinism can never be faulted.
“Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.”
― F.P. Adams
For 27 straight years, Franklin Pierce Adams (1881-1960) compiled New York City’s best quips in his long-running newspaper column. The fact that no one remembers The Conning Tower proves out this particular observation.
“This man I thought had been a Lord among wits; but, I find, he is only a wit among Lords.” ― Samuel Johnson
Samuel Johnson (1709-84) dispensed with Lord Chesterfield with a simple inversion. Like a punch in the face, it’s an obvious move that obviously works.