The Wit's Guide to Taxes
Or, laughter’s curve
Exactly how much do you dislike paying taxes? If you had to put a dollar amount on your seething hatred, would it come to more than the actual amount you fork over to the government each year? Or are you one of those “I personally enjoy paying for roads and schools” types?
The difference between how much you pay and how much it stings is what economists call excess burden. When England taxed fireplaces and taxpayers bricked up their hearths to save money as they shivered in the dark, their misery could be quantified as excess burden.
“The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing.”
— Jean-Baptiste Colbert
If you are looking for reasons to not do your taxes, I might suggest reading The Wit’s Guide to Procrastination. But more saliently, I would suggest the excellent 2021 book Rebellion, Rascals, and Revenue: Tax Follies and Wisdom through the Ages, from whence the above nugget originates and which makes a compelling case that a history of humanity through tax avoidance schemes is a fairly accurate one. Of course, I reserve the right to reassess that statement at any time in the next seven years, so don’t delete this email.
“I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.”
— Edith Sitwell
If you call it a tax avoidance scheme it sounds bad, except in England where scheme is just another word for plan. But it might be argued (perhaps not in tax court) that tax avoidance strategies represent the pinnacle of human creativity. Why, if wit is the unexpected combination of disparate ideas, an innovative tax maneuver might qualify. “The problem is when a clever taxpayer takes one ruling and combines it with another to produce an idea that saves a lot of money,” one law professor explained in the very definition of a good problem.
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”
— John Maynard Keynes
Was there a better tax in human history than the one Peter the Great levied against beards in 1698? In an effort to modernize his country, the Russian tsar personally shaved the members of his court — and proceeded to declare that all his subjects must follow suit in not being hirsute. To placate the divinely whiskered Orthodox Church, he created a beard tax: Pay up and carry a special token at all times, or risk a close shave from the law. And that’s where we get the derogatory acronym A.C.A.B., which stands for all cops are barbers.
“When an Englishman is totally incapable of doing any work whatsoever, he describes himself in the income-tax form as a ‘gentleman.’”
— Robert Lynd
When the journalist Michael Kinsley was searching for the ideal first words after coming out of brain surgery, he considered the obvious (“well, it wasn’t exactly rocket science”) and the slapstick (““I feel as if I’ve lost ten pounds…uh-oh”) before landing on a tax joke: “Well, of course. When you cut taxes, government revenues go up. Why couldn’t I see that before?”
“You don’t even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain’t a payment, that’s a jack. ”
— Chris Rock
The withholding principle, by which your taxes are deducted before you get your paycheque, is a touch of evil genius. What better proof that business and government are in cahoots against you? And what bigger relief when you realize you’re probably getting a refund? You don’t know what you’ve got till they give a bit of it back.
“The rich aren’t like us; they pay less taxes.”
— Peter De Vries
Writing in 1979, when the top marginal rate on earned income in his homeland was 83%, Christopher Hitchens asked why it was that the countries who pay the least tax complain the most. He deduced that “people who are accustomed to a large disposable income will be inclined to think that they can find better uses for the money than the government can.” Something to consider next time you are trying to relax next to a lake full of personal watercraft.
“To produce an income tax return that has any depth to it, any feeling, one must have Lived — and Suffered.”
— Frank Sullivan
The best attitude toward taxation is naturally that of P.G. Wodehouse, who found the bright side of a particularly hefty tax bill. “Everything was so easy for me before I was getting a bit bored,” he wrote. “I now can spit on my hands and start sweating again, feeling that it really matters when I make a bit of money.” To be taxed is to be alive!
This week’s ReccoMention
For my paying subscribers (C$30/yr!) this week, an argument in favour of the literary value of the humble list:
This month’s Riposte Card
For my founding subscribers ($C80/yr!), it’s April and thus time for this month’s Riposte Card! This month’s artist is Jamie Bennett, and she chose to illustrate this line:
“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”
— Dorothy Parker
Her excellent artwork has already been printed and mailed out to founding subscribers, but I’ll share it in this space for everyone else on Thursday, April 11.
Quote Vote
“When we are not sure, we are alive.”
— Graham Greene
Hmm, not sure what to cover next week. Maybe you can help?
That was Get Wit Quick No. 248, your weekly crunching of numbers and crisping of words. My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting has fewer pages than the tax code of any OECD nation — though the publishers wisely decided not to advertise that fact on the jacket. It still costs nothing to tap the ❤️ below.