The Wit's Guide to Sandwiches
Or, sandos for short
Are sandwiches witty? The man who gave them their name infamously wasn’t.
In 1762, John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, was credited with slapping some meat on bread for handheld nourishment during an intense card game.
In 1784, that same Earl insulted one Samuel Foote by asking him which means of death would claim him first, the gallows or syphilis. Foote retorted:
“That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
In 2004, Montagu’s descendants embraced restaurant franchising by trademarking the name Earl of Sandwich and going into business with Planet Hollywood. The menu features “The 1762” and “The Full Montagu” but sadly missed the opportunity to include a Foote-long.
“I like the philosophy of the sandwich, as it were. It typifies my attitude to life, really. It’s all there, it’s fun, it looks good, and you don’t have to wash up afterwards.”
— Molly Parkin
Here’s an important life lesson from M.F.K. Fisher, the great food writer: You can fix a bad sandwich. Fisher was served a trio of tasteless sandwiches on a plane. Undaunted, she ignored the “processed gluey” cheese, combined all the ham and chicken, “then telescoped the outsides,” and “fairly well plastered” the result with salt and pepper. As she proudly described the result:
“It was a pleasant lunch, small yet nourishing, and I concocted it with a neatness and intense dispatch impossible anywhere but high above the earth, so that it was not ridiculous or gross or even finicky while I did it.”
Could the social internet exist without sandwiches? Oh, for sure. But in 2009 the Tumblr Scanwiches turned a simple pun into a book deal by publishing regular photos of sandwiches sliced in half and pressed onto a scanner. More recently, the site Rotating Sandwiches updated the idea for 2023. So much has changed in the intervening 14 years, and yet humans still like looking at the URL of sandwich.
“Do not make a stingy sandwich;
Pile the cold-cuts high;
Customers should see salami
Coming through the rye”
— Allan Sherman
But you know who doesn’t like sandwiches? Loyal reader Craig Courtice, who in a past life served as CRO of the Great Canadian Confection Election. Courtice was so aghast at the result of last week’s Quote Vote, wherein Candy finished dead last, behind even Vegetables, that he submitted this blistering letter of complaint:
“I mean … sandwiches? It’s a small club and you’re not in it. These sandwich people think they’re heroes but really they’re meatballs. Quite frankly, I wish they would go take a French dip in the lake. They need a kick in the chip butty. Maybe I’ll grill them on what a sandwich even is. One piece of bread? Two? Three??? Just a load of baloney.”
Courtice here alludes to the Great Sandwich Ontology Debate, custom-made for endless internet discussion. First you ask if a hot dog is a sandwich, then a taco, then an ice cream sandwich, and then you watch the comments metastasize. The definitive answer can be found on the Sandwich Alignment Chart, which should be printed out and taped to the fridge before the social media site that hosts it finally sputters out.
“People often come to me seeking the true meaning of life, but I find they’re usually satisfied with half a sandwich.”
— Duchess Goldblatt
The only real sandwich debate: Is it better to abbreviate them as “sammies” or “sandos”? And the only real answer, as confirmed by Mr. Courtice: Sandos.
“Life is a sandwich of activity between two periods of bed-wetting.”
— Padgett Powell
When the tremendously witty songwriter Warren Zevon was facing a terminal cancer diagnosis, he shared his philosophy of life with David Letterman.
“Here's a guy looking right down the barrel of the gun,” Letterman later reflected. “And if a guy wanted to indulge himself in great hyperbole in that circumstance, who wouldn't forgive him? But that was perfect, the simplicity of that. If this guy is not a poet, who is?”
That perfect simple reflection:
“Enjoy every sandwich.”
— Warren Zevon
Riposte Cards, now featuring gastropods
One of the many mail hacks I’ve learned in six months of sending my 36 beloved paid subscribers wonderful works of art: Butter up the letter carriers for better service! Hence the below stamp, which appears on the envelopes of cards mailed out this week.
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Quote Vote
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway?
‘I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.’
‘So do I!’
‘Well let’s form a club then.’
‘Alright, but we need more stipulations.’
‘Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again.’
‘Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad.’
‘Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?’
‘I'm for ’em!’
‘Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide.’”
— Mitch Hedberg
OK fine, let’s give candy another shot.
Get Wit Quick No. 215 knows what you’re thinking: If we’re calling them sandos, does that mean your Star Wars-themed restaurant should develop a Sando Calrissian? Reader, it already exists. You’re also wondering which sweet won the Great Canadian Confection Election, and I can tell you that thanks to a vigorous campaign by the readers of the Nanaimo Daily News, the Nanaimo Bar took first place. This newsletter grew out of my book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting, and tapping the ❤️ below is like putting a frilly toothpick on top.
Alternative pronunciations of sandwich, though not abbreviations: “Samwich”, “sanawich”.
https://restaurantguru.com/Duran-Sandwich-Budapest. Best open-faced sandwich in Budapest.