The Wit's Guide to Deception
Or, play it as it lies
The Great Wits are universally opposed to deception and deceit, except in cases where it helps them get what they want or in any way makes life more interesting. In other words, they say we should all lie like rugs.
Start with Mark Twain, who took up the subject in an 1880 speech titled The Decay of the Art of Lying. His premise:
“Everybody lies — every day; every hour; awake; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception — and purposely.”
To prove this, he cites the proverb “Children and fools always speak the truth,” and writes “The deduction is plain — adults and wise persons never speak it.” So Twain argues, why not do it well? Start by owning up to it, then prioritize the best falsehoods. Lie for good and for others, with grace and with gusto.
“The lie is the basic building block of good manners.”
— Quentin Crisp
“She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.”
— Margot Asquith
Oscar Wilde spotted Twain’s essay cooling on the windowsill and ran away with it in his 1889 dialogue The Decay of Lying, arguing that all honest art was boring and bad. As he said of three contemporary novelists whose works were riddled with accuracy:
“He is so loud that one cannot hear what he says.”
“He hunts down the obvious with the enthusiasm of a shortsighted detective.”
“He is always telling us that to be good is to be good, and that to be bad is to be wicked. At times he is almost edifying.”
Enough already with how things actually are! In all great art, Wilde argues, “facts are either kept in their proper subordinate position, or else entirely excluded on the general ground of dullness.” The greater truth can only be found in artifice.
“There is such a thing as robbing a story of its reality by trying to make it too true.” — Oscar Wilde
“A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.”
— Saki
And everyone loves a trickster. The Guile Hero, according to TV Tropes, uses “charm, wit, political and/or financial acumen, and an in-depth knowledge of human nature” to finesse their way to victory. Sherlock Holmes (and now Enola), Batman, every character Harrison Ford has ever played: All guile heroes who save the day. Their real trick is to lie without being a liar.
“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.”
— H.L. Mencken
Mencken, a world-class cynic, put his finger on the fact that you can’t believe someone is telling the truth if you know you would lie in his place. But to embrace the omnipresence of falsehoods is a good way to be miserable. Look at the dirty tricksters in politics, who don’t merit mention by name: Assuming their opponents are always about to do the worst possible thing, they jump to the worst impossible thing. And then to jail, maybe. 🤞
“The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anybody else.”
— George Bernard Shaw
“It is as easy to deceive ourselves without noticing as it is hard to deceive others without their noticing.”
— La Rochefoucauld
The options, then, are to lie all the time and thus never believe anything — madness lies —or to mostly believe one lie: that honesty is always the best policy.
“I am a lie that always tells the truth.”
— Jean Cocteau
Speaking of…
Bluffing
Honesty
Quote Vote
“A majority is always the best repartee.”
— Benjamin Disraeli
So far the people have chosen office work over road trips, compliments over betrayal, and deception over leadership. Well done, people! Now, choose again!
Get Wit Quick No. 162 played it as it lies. One sure way to spot a liar is if they often say “Yeah, that’s it! Sure! That’s the ticket!” Note this only applies to Tommy Flanagan the Pathological Liar, a Saturday Night Live character played by Jon Lovitz. Put your right hand on Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting and swear that it contains the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, and a few unfortunate typos. If you say you’ve tapped ❤️ below but didn’t actually, I’ll probably find out.
This is absolutely the best GWQ you’ve ever written.
I loved this. As someone who writes historical fiction, and tries to be accurate (different from trying to tell the truth), what I have found is that I am more likely to get push back in reviews when the reviewer feels I'm not being accurate because the attitudes of my characters (usually women) are too modern. Almost all the time they are referring to passages where I am actually paraphrasing real statements made by real women of that period. The stuff I make up, which I do all the time, it is after all fiction I am writing, no one questions! A lie is definitely in the eye of the beholder.