The Wit’s Guide to Anger

Or, red mist cassoulet

Man Chewing Bumblebees. Crayon manner print by W. Hebert, c. 1770

There’s something to be said for anger, and what’s said may be accompanied by obscene hand gestures. Even though no amount of rage has ever prevented the light from dying, it feels — and occasionally sounds — so good in the moment! 

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
— Ambrose Bierce

The sager quotations about anger suggest you’ll always regret anything you say whilmst feeling as salty as a bag of popcorn — but mightn’t that miffedness spur wittier retorts?

“Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”
— H.L. Mencken

Mencken, the guy who gave his name to the neo-fascist candidate on Succession, was perpetually pissed about having to live in the United States, and petulance powered his prose. “Third-rate men, of course, exist in all countries, but it is only here that they are in full control of the state, and with it all the national standards,” he wrote.

“Peace of mind is better than giving them a piece of your mind.”
— J. P. McEvoy

In diplomatic life, no one’s mind is ever overtaken by the red mist. Instead, they might have “full and frank” discussions. If negotiations are really heated, they might be characterized as “serious and candid.” Or as Principal Skinner told his students before the winter break, “have a frank and productive holiday.”

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”
— Mark Twain

“When angry, count ten before you speak. When very angry, count one hundred.”
— Thomas Jefferson

If someone is angry at you, the best way to make them angrier is not to care. This isn’t necessarily an advisable course of action, especially if they are charging at you with a heavy object.

“I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.”
— Bertrand Russell

The most accurate view on your anger is through someone else’s eyes, which is why Russell’s Conjugation is so useful. As coined by Bertrand Russell when asked to conjugate an irregular verb in a BBC Radio appearance in 1948 (back when grammar was considered entertainment), it’s a way of sharpening up a description as it moves farther away — and revealing that what feels like justified wrath to you looks like petulant caterwauling to others. The New Statesman subsequently ran a contest to identify more Russell’s Conjugations, including this one:

“I am righteously indignant; you are annoyed; he is making a fuss about nothing.”

And consider Truman Capote’s reaction after the critic Kenneth Tynan panned his true-crime novel In Cold Blood. He shot back that Tynan had  the “morals of a baboon and the guts of a butterfly,” and he stayed in said huff. Years later and with no apparent prompting, he detailed an elaborate revenge fantasy to the writer George Plimpton, who eventually shared it with The New Yorker. 

“It started with a kidnapping—Tynan picked off a quiet city street and bundled into the back of a Rolls-Royce,” Plimpton recalled, and it continued into a gilded version of the Saw movies, with the detained critic chauffeured to a luxurious medical clinic where Capote detailed the “extensive postoperative procedure, the careful diets, a complex exercise program” to carefully remove all of Tynan’s limbs and organs, one by one, until all that was left was a single eyeball and his genitalia. 

Capote leaned back in his chair to finish the story: “What they do then is to wheel into his hospital room a motion-picture projector, a screen, along with an attendant in a white smock who sets everything up, and what they do is show pornographic films, very high-grade, enticing ones, absolutely non-stop!”

“Anger is loaded with information and energy.”
— Audre Lorde

So if you must make a fuss, make it a clever fuss. Instead of incandescent rage, try fluorescence. Don’t just stew on it; serve up a cassoulet. 

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Point: This week’s Recommendation

Each issue, I offer up some choice entertainments for paid subscribers. Just C$2.50 a month, less than a cup o’ pizza, is your ticket to infinite rabbit holes! This week, a modern master of wordplay.

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Counterpoint: This month’s Riposte Card

But what if you don’t take suggestions on what to read? Then you’ll love the quip that’s being illustrated on November’s Riposte Card:

“The only advice, indeed, that one person can give another about reading is to take no advice.”
— Virginia Woolf

Our chosen illustrator is Maxine Kryzaniwsky; I’ll share her riff on the above line next week. The resulting limited-edition postcards will be part of a double mailing to Riposte Card subscribers, as October’s cards were delayed at the printer! The good news is there’s still time to get both mailed directly to you!

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Quote Vote

“Anger makes dull men witty — but it keeps them poor.”
— Francis Bacon

Now we just have Bargaining and Acceptance left on our Five Stages of Grief, having ticked off Anger, Denial, and Depression. Let’s power through! Or not! We can bargain! But eventually?

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Get Wit Quick No. 227 must also recommend these Russell’s Conjugations:

• “I am sparkling; you are unusually talkative; he is drunk.”

• “I try to see their point of view; you are muddleheaded; he is a crypto-Communist.”

• “I am beautiful; you have quite good features; she isn’t bad-looking, if you like that type.”

• “My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting was brilliant; you are a worthy reader; they ought to tap the❤️  below already.”