The ugly suitor's guide to dating
Or, how John Wilkes talked away his face in just 20 minutes
Online dating is now the dominant way people meet their mates. And for those who prize wit, that’s a very good thing.
Yes, swiping right on photos is reductive and superficial. But snap judgments of physical appearance have always been the first step in mate selection. It’s the part that follows in modern courtship that gives hope to the quick-witted.
This hope is what inspired Taffy Brodesser-Akner’s new novel Fleishman Is in Trouble. In an interview with Kara Swisher, the author explained how she saw a wave of her recently divorced friends successfully dating online. As Brodesser-Akner described it:
In the ’90s, you had to show up in your disgusting human form, look people in the eye and try not to look too needy and try not to look like you wanted it so badly. And now suddenly, there are these apps where you can just name your availability, your desire, and … [people] who are hyper-articulate as opposed to stunningly beautiful suddenly had men and women who were interested because … you can lead with your words. And your wit.
The sooner you move from looks to brains, the better for the witty. There may be no greater historical example of this than John Wilkes (1727-97), the British libertine, champion of free speech, journalist, Lord Mayor of London, pornographer, and social reformer. (His name was taken by both Abraham Lincoln’s assassin and the better half of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.) Wilkes was famously ugly, famously witty, and famously lucky in love. As one historian put it, the “ugly, cross-eyed, lisping Wilkes could captivate with his animal spirits, courteous manners, witty conversation, and enormous personal and political courage.”
How ugly was he? In the words of his biographer Arthur Cash:
He had a prognathous jaw that exposed his lower teeth when he spoke. The teeth began to fall out before he reached the age of 30. He was told in print that his face was ‘an indication of a very bad soul within’ and should not be exposed to pregnant women.
A popular epigram of his time recounted how Wilkes was snubbed by the ladies:
Says a beau to a lady, Pray name if you can,
Of all your acquaintance, the handsomest man.
The lady replied, If you’d have me speak true,
He’s the handsomest man that’s the most unlike you.
Sick burn! John Wilkes was clever enough to work around these minor impediments and would say that he required a mere “twenty minutes to talk away my face.” He filled those minutes with turns of phrase that live on to this day.
He artfully phrased his opposition to the monarchy by saying he “so loved his King that he hoped never to see another.” He declined a game of cards by saying “I’m so ignorant I can’t distinguish a king from a knave.” When asked how far freedom of the press went in England, he responded “I cannot tell, but I am trying to find out.”
When his rival Lord Sandwich (you’ve likely sampled his work) wondered if Wilkes would die by hanging for his public acts or syphilis for his private ones, Wilkes famously (and perhaps apocryphally) responded: “That depends, my Lord, on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.”
John Wilkes succeeded both in the sheets and in the streets with bravery, manners, passion, and wit — and without Tinder, Hinge, or teeth.
Quick quips; lightning
“Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.” — John Barrymore
Barrymore (1882-1942), the great actor of his age, didn’t consider that the discovery of haddockishness can go both ways.
“A girl’s best friend is her mutter.” — Dorothy Parker
This quip better captures Parker (1893-1967) than her more famous “Men seldom make passes / at girls who wear glasses.”
“A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.” — Ogden Nash
Groan at Nash’s verse (1902-1971), sure, but admit they are original groans.
Thanks for reading the sixth issue of Get Wit Quick, the weekly newsletter of freshly turned phrases. It’s based on my book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting and would fit nicely into the inboxes of your friends and admirers. Note: Brodesser-Akner also said that many of her newly divorced friends came out of marriages where the woman outearned the man; in that case, please invert the Nash line about income-pattability.