The Wit's Guide to Coronations
Or, crowns on clowns
“A crown is no more than a hat that lets in the rain.”
— Frederick the Great
Royalty and self-effacement don’t go together like a horse and gilded carriage, so let’s begin by giving old Fred credit for that line. It was originally spoken in French, so we can’t also commend him for the terrific rain-reign pun. But he already has “The Great” as a last name, so he’s doing just fine.
The Prussian invented the idea of benevolent despotism, a kingly way of saying just because you can be a total jerk, maybe don’t? Or as he put it:
“My people and I have come to an agreement which satisfies us both. They are to say what they please, and I am to do as I please.”
— Frederick the Great
Charles III would kill to get the inverse of that divine right, a royal freedom of speech. But by now the poor old goofus (who is worth $2B, so get out the world’s tiniest Stradivarius) knows he needs to talk less, smile more. No more black spider memos; maybe practice penmanship on some innocuous phrases instead.
“Princes had need, in tender matters and ticklish times, to beware what they say: especially in these short speeches, which fly abroad like darts, and are thought to be shot out of their secret intentions.”
— Sir Francis Bacon
Chuck’s role models include Queen Elizaboring or Princess Margaregrettable, his mother or his aunt. Darling Mama made 75 years of meaningless chit chat and was beloved; Margaret, as a friend lamented, “never knew whether she was meant to be posh or to be matey, and so she swung between the two, and it was a disaster.” The choice for Chas is clear: Ask your visitors if they’ve come far, and care deeply about their answers.
“Had he never been emperor, no one would have doubted his ability to reign.”
— Tacitus
It’s often been argued that constitutional monarchies are the most stable democracies. Tradition and muscle memory no doubt help, but perhaps there’s a touch of sadistic pleasure in it for all us commoners. Think of how miserable the royals are, trapped in their ornate cages and tortured by the tabloid press. Then consider how they subjugated the masses for a thousand-odd years. Turnabout is fair play, innit?
“We used to behave ourselves because we thought the kings and queens were watching. Now they do because we are.”
— Doug Saunders
Now we are all Dennis the Peasant from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sure, we’re slopping piles of mud around for no apparent reason, but at least we’re well aware that strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. We happily deride a monarch whose very important job includes proposing a recipe for Coronation Quiche. “Bland and tediously worthy,” sniffed The Economist of the Royal Egg Pie. “A banal tart,” declared the Grand Master of the Brotherhood of the Quiche Lorraine, presumably an elected position. God save the King!
“It’s good to be king, if just for a while
To be there in velvet, yeah, to give ’em a smile.”
— Tom Petty
A message for you, rudely!
There are now 22 paying subscribers for Riposte Cards, the service by which I commission terrific illustrators to interpret great lines each month and then send the results to you via a melange of the finest inks on paper. It’s actually a great deal!
The May Riposter is Graham Roumieu, the most sublimely talented watercolorist that Smithers, B.C., has ever produced. Mr. Roumieu selected this zinger from The Wit’s Guide to Rudeness:
“It seldom pays to be rude. It never pays to be only half-rude.”
— Norman Douglas
And here are the three drafts he ably supplied:
Which will prevail? Find out next week!
Quote Vote
“There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful.”
— Samuel Johnson
Of course the clever way to be an autocrat is to offer the people a false choice. You can have anyone in charge so long as it’s me! I wouldn’t do that to you, would I?
Well folks, that was Issue No. 200 of Get Wit Quick, a quiche-worthy event if ever there was one. Anything you’d like to see in the next 200? Hit reply and tell me already. My book Elements of Wit: Mastering The Art of Being Interesting can’t be improved, sadly. Every tap below empowers the King of ❤️s.
Thank you for making it clear that "banal tart" was in reference to a pastry.
I assumed it was a snide aside in reference to Ms. Parker-Bowles...the now Queen with or without the hyphen consort. I always wanted to have a consort, somewhat like a concert without the music.
I'm going to vote for cheese because I don't know what anhedonia is (not that I care all that much about cheese, to be honest, which doesn't give me the pleasure it once did)